*Epic Sigh*

Look Tia, I used your word.

I really don't know how to do this post. So I will probably just ramble a bit, please forgive me. Of course there are only two people who read this, ok, really only one now and I do think I have mentioned before that blogs that are only full of happy and sunny stuff are stupid as noones life is perfect and people shouldn't try to pretend it is... ah hell, this message is looking bad already isn't it. *SIGH* oh well here goes.

So this last week has been a little rough. I was kind of shocked when Todd brought home the obituary of my father, although I am glad he did. He said he wasn't sure how to approach it so he just handed it over. of course the wrong side was up and so as I stood there staring at an obituary of "Donald Bradford" and thinking.. "who the hell is this", he looked at me like I was crazy. I finally said, I don't know who this is and he looked over and flipped the thing over and there he was. Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions. I don't think my family knew what to do either. sorry family. The first struggle was do I go to the funeral. I knew I wanted to but I also didn't want to. I felt like I would be a funeral crasher. I know that when I was a small child he must have loved me and I'm not entirely sure what happened to make him not care anymore but its been over 20 years since I was a part of that family. I have thought about him over the years and for some reason have always been glad he was out there somewhere because I deluded myself with the thought that someday he might change his mind. apparently not. So I went to the funeral, my lovely family went with me, although I still don't think they knew what to do with or for me. The funeral was hard. I felt even more like a gate crasher and tried to just hide in the corner until it got started. It was very weird being at a funeral of a "relative" and knowing absolutely noone there (except Todd, Tia and Colt of course). I had seen pictures of the three sons on the internet Friday night so I could pick them out of the crowd. but other then that I didn't even know peoples names. The hardest part was listening to the speakers. They all went on and on about what a kind loving man he was and how family was so important to him. Which proved all my old assumptions true I guess.... It was "just me" that was the problem.... Well actually it may not have been "just me", there is another son who was not in the paper obituary but that was listed in the program at the funeral. I don't know that person either. so wether he was a part of his life I don't know..... I am however glad I went. I learned things about him that I had no idea of, ok so actually I learned I knew NOTHING about him before. Hell, I didn't even know he was a twin. But the biggest thing is I am sure if I hadn't gone I would have kicked myself forever thinking I should have gone and the whole "what if I'd gone" spiel. Now its over and that chapter of my life has come to its conclusion and life will go on.

On a better note, I did finally make it to see my Grandma Lafeen's grave. I've been wanting to go find it forever and haven't done it. I honestly don't know hardly anything about her either but all I have are great memories of her when I was little. The whole "milk and cookies grandma" kind of memories. Wether they are right or wrong I'm keeping those memories :-)

Guess that's about it. I'm going to go lie down, my head is killing me.